Letter from the Artist

Have you ever felt like you just don't belong here, or that there's something not quite right that you can't quite put your finger on? This has been my experience most of my life until now.

I was born in 1972 in Tokyo, Japan, into an amazing family with two older sisters whom I adore and hugely respect. We moved quite a bit when I was younger. We lived in New York from 1973 to 1981, then Tokyo again until 1985 when we came back to the United States this time to the San Francisco Bay Area.

My father was a highly respected businessman, who was full of integrity, wisdom, and basic goodness. He passed away just before my 16th birthday, leaving behind the greatest gift anyone could leave: He left in our hearts a burning desire to know Truth and to serve the greater good of mankind.

During the last few years of his life, he spent every moment of everyday in prayer and meditation. He wanted so badly for his life to be of service to humanity and to spread peace and love in this world. In 1988 my father's spirit left his body, leaving behind a legacy of true love and compassion for all.

After my father's passing, I put all of my heart and energy into competitive figure skating, which was the only thing I knew how to do; I had been skating since I was four years old. For the next nine years I dedicated my whole life to skating, with the prayer that I could touch even one person in his/her heart during a performance.

Then, in 1997, my competitive skating career came to an end due to political reasons. A part of me felt a huge relief, even though my skating partner and I had worked incredibly hard that year in order to prepare for the Olympics, in the following year. I hadn't realized that there had been so much outside pressure on us, on top of the pressure that we had put on ourselves.

After a few months of rest and not knowing what to do next, I started to coach skating part time and went back to school to major in music. I didn't really play an instrument, but had taken some piano lessons when I was six or seven years old. After my skating career was over, I felt a strong attraction to the sound and the feel of the piano, and suddenly had a desire to learn how to play. Going to a junior college and majoring in music seemed like the best way, at the time.

Three years into my college experience, I suddenly realized that I wasn't happy and that I couldn't find any will to live. Not that I wanted to die, but I just couldn't find any joy or zest for life. I felt no purpose in being alive. I didn't know who I truly was.

I realized that I had spent my whole life striving for something, but I didn't know what. So, I dropped everything. I quit school, I quit coaching, and I went to Mt Shasta, a very sacred mountain in Northern California, to pray with three desires in my heart: to know who I truly am, to know my purpose in this world, and to meet my fears.

I prayed and prayed for three-and-a-half weeks, every moment of the day. Actually, I mostly cried. There was so much grief, sadness, and fear! Sometimes I would sit with my eyes closed and try to allow myself to just be afraid and discover what it was that I was afraid of. But somehow as soon as the sensation of fear would creep up, I just couldn't do it. I would "pop out" and open my eyes.

I noticed that I was afraid of almost everything. I was even afraid of nature. The one thing I wasn't afraid of was Mt. Shasta. I trusted it with my entire being. It was my only connection to true love. It was where I felt most connected to Master Dolores.

Dolores Hand was my Teacher, my heart and soul, and the only person I have ever trusted. I met her when I was twelve years old. She was the embodiment of unconditional love; I believe she was a true saint. She was born knowing the Truth, her true identity, and her purpose and mission. Her whole life served the greater good of humanity.

She would travel just to spread love and light to those areas that needed it. She gave any donations that came her way to orphanages, or simply gave it back if she couldn't use it. She taught us to go into our hearts to discover the answers to any questions we may have. She taught us to live from our hearts, to trust our hearts, and to fiercely focus on what is at the core of the heart. My life has been incredibly blessed because of her. Words cannot express the impact that she has had on my soul.

Master Dolores passed away in 1995 when I was 23 years old. When I was in Mt. Shasta praying for answers, I realized that I had stopped believing or trusting in my heart after Master Dolores passed on. Fear had overtaken me. When Master was alive, I had spent every morning and every evening meditating in the heart and checking in with the heart throughout the day. I had done this since I was thirteen years old.

I can recall going to lectures with Master and hearing people ask about the mind and comment on how tricky and sneaky it was. A few thoughts would then pass through of "What are these people talking about? Can't they feel this unconditional love that Master is speaking of? What's the big deal?"

All I could experience was the love that she was and how it was so palpable in her presence. I was very young and didn't care about anything else. She was my whole life; she was a part of every aspect; she was family. She helped me with skating. She was an incredible cook and would have us over for delicious meals. She would take us out to dim sum, invite us for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and give us herbs when we were sick. I just adored and loved her. I still do. I'm so grateful.

At the end of the three-and-a-half weeks in Mt Shasta, I felt ready to face the world again. I still didn't have any answers, but I felt Master's blessings and the blessings from the mountain. The day after I returned from the mountain I met Ammachi, Mata Amritanandamayi, the Indian saint who gives darshan to thousands of people a day by hugging them. The darshan I received from "Amma" that evening was the answer to my prayers. There are no words to describe it, just that the experience itself was the answer.

Then, within the same week, I met Gangaji, an American"guru," who had her awakening in India with H. W. L. Poonja, or Papaji. My meeting with Gangaji was profound. The moment I was in her presence I recognized the love, which was so familiar. I couldn't stop weeping; all I could say to her was, "I'm sorry, it's just that I know you." Her response was, "Well, you know yourself then," and she put her arm around my shoulder, held me close, and let me weep some more.

The past six years with Gangaji have been a true blessing and gift. They have been a return home, deeper and deeper to the heart, to love, to Self. The most profound gift that I've received in Gangaji’s presence is the realization that this love that I experienced with and for Master Dolores, this love that I experienced in Gangaji's presence, is always present at the core of being as my own heart. It's the very essence of life. I am eternally grateful.

Now, here I AM. All that is left is love and gratitude. In this past year, everything that I have ever known, believed, or thought has been tested and turned upside down. Everything has come to an end. Everything has changed. A thirty year career in figure skating ended (I had gone back to coaching shortly after meeting Gangaji in order to support my self and my partner). A five-and-a-half year relationship with someone I adored, cherished, loved deeply and with whom I shared a life and soul was stripped away. My relationships with Gangaji, family, and friends have completely changed as well.

The bottom line, I have changed. I am not at all who I thought I was. In losing everything through the most devastating heartbreak, grief, and darkness there has been a discovery of a love that although not known or even familiar, was somehow always present. It's called self love, but these words don't even come close to the experience. It's where all is easily surrendered, where trust is not an issue, where fear is beautiful, where essence meets creation, where time meets space, where breath meets life, where joy is a reality, where abundance is abundant, where the infinite sky meets infinite soul, and finally, where nothing else, no other, exists.

I still know nothing of the spiritual journey, or of anything else for that matter. Yet now there is love and gratitude. I give this life and soul to this love and gratitude, for that is all there is left. It's the only "thing" that matters or means anything. What a miraculous life this is! I bow to the transmission of the mandalas and the burning desire in this heart of hearts for this miracle of love.

Every moment is now a prayer, an honoring, and a celebration of this love. THIS is where the mandalas come from. I give thanks. I give thanks. I give thanks.

In love and gratitude,

Kaho Koinuma

January, 2007